Grass, Fingernails, and Perpetually Growing Things

Well, it’s that time of the year again.  Every year I hope it will be different.  I put it off as long as I can, but eventually it has to be done.  Eventually I have to mow the yard.  I realize that it has to be done and once it’s done it looks and feels much better, but I wish there was a way to pick what length you would like the grass to be and set it on that length permanently.  The only way I can think of is to have the whole yard ripped up and have field turf installed in its place.  As sweet as that would be, I doubt I have anywhere near enough money to pull it off.

As long as we are on the subject, there are a couple other things that I wish were easily adjustable.  As with the grass, it’s not that they are difficult to keep trimmed, but rather they are what I consider a necessary nuisance.  The first is hair.  It’s like having weeds on your head.  No matter how often or how short you cut it, it just starts growing again as soon as you finish.  That’s all well and good if you want long hair, but can be terribly frustrating for those with short hair or shaved heads.  Now if only someone could come up with a way to make hair instantly adjustable to any desired length.  A device that gives you the option to change the length of your hair based on your mood – now that is something I would buy!

The final necessary nuisance, and the one that absolutely drives me bonkers is fingernails.  First of all, how weird is it that we have little clear things on the ends of all our fingers that never stop growing?  I guess that’s fine for girls and weird boys that want to have long fingernails, but that is definitely not me.  For those who want their fingernails to grow faster, they make stuff that you can put on them to give them a growth spurt, but to my knowledge there is nothing that makes them stop growing.  Fingernail discrimination?  I think so!  I wonder if there is a way to surgically remove whatever it is that causes fingernails to grow?  That might be worth looking into.

Not only is clipping fingernails a nuisance, but what a waste of time!  For a person who lives 80 years and clips their fingernails once every 2 weeks, that comes to a total of 2085 times over their lifetime.  If that person spent an average of 5 minutes clipping their nails each time, that person would spend roughly one week of their life clipping their fingernails.  Doesn’t seem quite so insignificant now does it?

The other thing that drives me nuts about clipping my fingernails is that even after clipping my fingernails as many times as I have over my lifetime, I still somehow manage to cut them way too short every time.  Then, for at least the next couple post-nailclipping days my fingernails hurt and cause me to be unable to do simple tasks that I normally take for granted.  Things like opening a can of pop, taking outlet protectors out of the outlets, scraping stickers off of things, and putting keys on keychains.  All of these seemingly routine tasks become significantly less routine when you are unable to do them without being in pain.

Someone needs to come up with a way to fix these problems.  Surely I can’t be the only one who feels this way.  I am definitely not smart enough or talented enough to come up with a fix to the problem on my own.  However, if we all work together in this endeavor I truly believe we can develop a solution.  Will you stand with me in the fight against Things-That-Keep-Growing-No-Matter-How-Short-Or-How-Often-You-Cut-Them-Whether-You-Like-It-Or-Not?  Can’t say I blame you if your answer is no…it’s really a pretty stupid thing to fight against.

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One Comment

  1. Lol. I can’t stop laughing! Definitely one of your funniest yet! Hey, have Jadon clip your fingernails for you! I will stand with you in this fight, because I’m your mom.

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